A Mommy’s Diary

I keep wondering if we were to hard on our oldest last night.  Major MAJOR mistake on his part.  Did we have to take everything away?  One part of me is saying no.  The other part knows we need to stand firm and let him work his way out and make it work so it is worth it to him and so he can be proud as he earns things back and, hopefully, builds new habits!    We want him to be able to have so much and do much but at some point he has to actually deserve these things. 

Have we taught him everything we can?  Is it too late to try to mold things in him that he has been fighting all along?  I mean, he has to make the choice, right? 

We have been working so hard with his teachers.  His teachers have been working so hard with us.  It’s time for him to start working too!

At the end of our talk last night we had him set his own goals.  He set three goals and then had to lay out two ways he was going to accomplish his goals.  He chose a goal for school, home and God.  Today is a new day and we reminded him how much we love him.  Do you remember your parents telling you if they didn’t care they wouldn’t do anything? 

I am patiently waiting for that day, 10-15 years from now, when my children come into my kitchen, look me dead in the eye, and say, “Mom, you were right.”   But until then I need to be firm, loving, forgiving, and firm again.

Christmas is around the corner. Many funny things have crossed my path in the last few days but, now when I have time to write, everything escapes my memory.

some funny things:
My son wanted my daughter to look at something.

“Hey Gab look at this”
“I already saw it.”
“Gee, how many eyes to you have?” (totally shocked voice)

I laughed silly after that one.

Young son was trying to weasle out of me what we got him for Christmas. I started telling him we go the boys My Little Pony, vanities, and dress up. He wanted to throw a fit until I told him we were getting his big brother a Princess Leia customer (from VI). Then he was all giggles.

I think that’s it for right now.

So, I am simply annoyed today. First, (and this was good) I ran some errands with my sister and she paid me with Taco Johns. Yeah, it was a bad idea to look up how many calories I ate in that one meal alone! Almost met my daily goal in one fatty sitting. Now, I sit here, eating my very fun salad, not wanting to touch my homework but knowing that I really need to while my children are seeing how many noise records they can break in one night.

However, right now I smile as I think of how my husband wants so much to please me. Just yesterday I told him I wanted a pink knit cap and he went and got me one! I am glad I thought of that just now because now everything doesn’t seem so bad. I’ll put on some sweats. Open the books and get to work. Sounds good to me!

I spent all last week really resenting being a mom. I was fed up with the driving, the homework, talking with teachers, getting everyone to sports, and doing it all while my husband works nights, so in other words…alone. Do I truly resent him or the kids? No. But last week was a tough week and I was just so tired. I bet you everyday I said, in my mind, that I just wanted to quit.

I am better now. Yesterday I turned in the last of my finals so I have a two week break. Last night I was invited to a little “party” at the last minute, which I enjoyed very much (I even did some singing!), and today is the last night of my daughter’s musical so my gas usuage should be cut in half. Later today we are taking the kids to a concert and then the week starts all over tomorrow but with so much less on my plate.

I have been feeling fat lately and playing the part well: overeating at any opportunity I have. I am hopeful that with some stressors cleared out of the way that I can hop back on that horse again so I don’t feel like a big walking talking tub of lard. Tired is the only word I can think of that could possibly describe how I have felt lately.

Tired, resentful, fed up, exhausted but blessed, loved, and needed and somehow God gives me more than enough to keep on going. God will forever amaze me and I thank Him for the forgiveness I need and get when there are days when I throw my hands at Him and complain. I have been complaining a lot lately.

I am not sure if I have written at all this month. Been kind of busy kind of not, to be honest. Actually, I have felt extremely overwhelmed for weeks now. I have another dentist appointment today, which I am not happy about but Greg is doing carpool so that makes up for it. I wouldn’t mind if he would do carpool everyday but I won’t get my hopes up.

I have had some really neat God-moments this month. Each time I wonder if I could possible dig any deeper into God He just brings me closer. Sometimes it feels like a yank and sometimes a gentle pull. Lately: a yank. In fact, I am pretty sure I have whip lash. But then, I am not sure God would yank or pull…would He? Would that be an infringement on free will? But then, since I claim Him as my Savior, does that give him permission to yank? Interesting questions.

The kids are great as always. We are quickly approaching those scary teen years and the transition isn’t smooth. And now we have a tweener so life is sometimes just a big old bowl of rotten cherries. But other days make up for that. We have all been laughing together lately a lot!  Of course, we are broke so there is nothing else to do but laugh but it keeps us home and together so I can’t complain.

Total mommy moment today. So, I have been trying to find a league for my son to play basketball since the league he has played with for the past 6 years only goes through the 6th grade. Well, I was getting really excited about this new place that is open that will start leagues in October. Only, it wasn’t until several requests for information and a lot of annoyance that went back to the sight again. Yes, there will be a 7th grade league but it’s not until 2-0-0-9!!!!!! Ug, I was so upset and now I am scrambling to find a league for him to play in but I think I go it. How stupid and rediculous do I feel right now? Incredibly and I can only hope that I find a league for him because I have a basketball player and I would hate for him to not have a court to play on.

Tomorrow is my daughter’s 10th birthday. Man, time flies. I just spent the last two hours in deep thought and conversation and it all has to do with the future. I know God says not to worry but I am or am I heart sick? I don’t know. I shared with a friend just this afternoon that I was worried that I was in a bubble and not able to see things clearly around me. God, in His miraculous timing, burst that bubble tonight.

I have no memory of not having children. I had my son so early that I can’t remember him not being there (partly because I grew up while becoming a mommy). I have no idea what it is like to be able to make grownup decisions without considering the ramifications for the kids.  I don’t remember ever being able to just pick and go whenever I pleased. Now that our son is getting older we have been able to enjoy running to the store really quick, or even going on short dates, while leaving the kids at home. These little steps are fun. I still remember the excitement I felt the first time we went to the beach and we didn’t have a diaper bag. It was great.

My thoughts are jumbled in my mind as are the words filling this page. The future. What is in the future? How can we not worry about the future and what it brings? Every step we chose to make has consequences, both good and bad. Sometimes it feels like there are no winners and I can honestly say I find a slight bit of fear in the idea that the clear vision I thought I had just a few hours ago is now slightly cloudy and confused. But my daughter turns 10 tomorrow….that I can see as clear as day. My beautiful little girl is getting bigger and it’s her future, and the future of our family, that weigh heavy on my heart right now. 

Maybe this is what God had been preparing me for????? I had that crazy drawing to Jesus just the other day and I can’t get it out of my mind, which is probably why i can’t form any other thoughts or get anything else done. Now that my heart is so radically challenged I wonder what is coming and scared that I already know. Breath in….breath out….then go.

*for anyone reading this that doesn’t know me, yes my mind and my conversations jump back and forth as they have done in this post….which I will not edit or change. For those of you who do know me….just pray because my mind is a mess right now and you know that I can’t run at the speed I do if this doesn’t clear out.

Okay, so I don’t get it. I keep seeing infomercials and getting junk in my inbox about free US Grant $$. If the government has all this money sitting around why are our schools suffering and why don’t more of our kids have health insurance? Why is our gas so high and why is the cost of goods inflating? AND, with all the money the US gov’t is using to bail out companies who were way too risky with thier investments how is there is any FREE $$ left over for the rest of us?

I am so glad the weekend is almost over. I have been filling my schedule with too much and now I have classes to start tomorrow. I loved my summer off but I have been ready to get back into the homework routine again. However, what I forgot was how chained I become to the house and to my homework. I am so used to running around free that I have to force myself into a mindset of work again. I have so much I want to fit into this month and already I am worried about getting all my school work done because between church and Gabby’s rehearsles I may end up having a nervous breakdown. So, today I say good-bye to sleep and the ability to form enough words to make a sentence after 5pm everyday. I say good-bye to having nothing to do after the kids go to bed. I say good-bye to saying yes to so many of those afternoon/evening weekend get-togethers have enjoyed so much this summer. 

For a brief 3 months I got to taste the freedom of being able to do what I want when I want with the kids. And they are at such a fun age! No sports, lessons, or anything. Now with school (for all of us) we are already in full swing. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the summer off from classes. Maybe I should have kept that one thing to keep me stable. Maybe a good bungee jump or sky dive would release all this tension…..

Have you ever felt so passionately about something but at the same time left to wonder if your way is the right way? Have you ever seen something that doesn’t make sense only to ask yourself if it is in God’s will? I will proclaim and proclaim that excellence and perfection in my Lord, my Father in Heaven, and my Jesus. However, His will is so very hard to see sometimes…..and there are days when I do not like to go through the refining fires because it might just prove that I am wrong and I simply do not have enough faith.