Tomorrow is my daughter’s 10th birthday. Man, time flies. I just spent the last two hours in deep thought and conversation and it all has to do with the future. I know God says not to worry but I am or am I heart sick? I don’t know. I shared with a friend just this afternoon that I was worried that I was in a bubble and not able to see things clearly around me. God, in His miraculous timing, burst that bubble tonight.
I have no memory of not having children. I had my son so early that I can’t remember him not being there (partly because I grew up while becoming a mommy). I have no idea what it is like to be able to make grownup decisions without considering the ramifications for the kids. I don’t remember ever being able to just pick and go whenever I pleased. Now that our son is getting older we have been able to enjoy running to the store really quick, or even going on short dates, while leaving the kids at home. These little steps are fun. I still remember the excitement I felt the first time we went to the beach and we didn’t have a diaper bag. It was great.
My thoughts are jumbled in my mind as are the words filling this page. The future. What is in the future? How can we not worry about the future and what it brings? Every step we chose to make has consequences, both good and bad. Sometimes it feels like there are no winners and I can honestly say I find a slight bit of fear in the idea that the clear vision I thought I had just a few hours ago is now slightly cloudy and confused. But my daughter turns 10 tomorrow….that I can see as clear as day. My beautiful little girl is getting bigger and it’s her future, and the future of our family, that weigh heavy on my heart right now.
Maybe this is what God had been preparing me for????? I had that crazy drawing to Jesus just the other day and I can’t get it out of my mind, which is probably why i can’t form any other thoughts or get anything else done. Now that my heart is so radically challenged I wonder what is coming and scared that I already know. Breath in….breath out….then go.
*for anyone reading this that doesn’t know me, yes my mind and my conversations jump back and forth as they have done in this post….which I will not edit or change. For those of you who do know me….just pray because my mind is a mess right now and you know that I can’t run at the speed I do if this doesn’t clear out.
