Archive for September, 2008

9-24-08

September 25, 2008 at 2:57 am · Filed under Uncategorized

Tomorrow is my daughter’s 10th birthday. Man, time flies. I just spent the last two hours in deep thought and conversation and it all has to do with the future. I know God says not to worry but I am or am I heart sick? I don’t know. I shared with a friend just this afternoon that I was worried that I was in a bubble and not able to see things clearly around me. God, in His miraculous timing, burst that bubble tonight.

I have no memory of not having children. I had my son so early that I can’t remember him not being there (partly because I grew up while becoming a mommy). I have no idea what it is like to be able to make grownup decisions without considering the ramifications for the kids.  I don’t remember ever being able to just pick and go whenever I pleased. Now that our son is getting older we have been able to enjoy running to the store really quick, or even going on short dates, while leaving the kids at home. These little steps are fun. I still remember the excitement I felt the first time we went to the beach and we didn’t have a diaper bag. It was great.

My thoughts are jumbled in my mind as are the words filling this page. The future. What is in the future? How can we not worry about the future and what it brings? Every step we chose to make has consequences, both good and bad. Sometimes it feels like there are no winners and I can honestly say I find a slight bit of fear in the idea that the clear vision I thought I had just a few hours ago is now slightly cloudy and confused. But my daughter turns 10 tomorrow….that I can see as clear as day. My beautiful little girl is getting bigger and it’s her future, and the future of our family, that weigh heavy on my heart right now. 

Maybe this is what God had been preparing me for????? I had that crazy drawing to Jesus just the other day and I can’t get it out of my mind, which is probably why i can’t form any other thoughts or get anything else done. Now that my heart is so radically challenged I wonder what is coming and scared that I already know. Breath in….breath out….then go.

*for anyone reading this that doesn’t know me, yes my mind and my conversations jump back and forth as they have done in this post….which I will not edit or change. For those of you who do know me….just pray because my mind is a mess right now and you know that I can’t run at the speed I do if this doesn’t clear out.

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09/19/08

September 19, 2008 at 2:59 pm · Filed under God, Heaven, Jesus, writing

I have to wonder if I am struggling in something great right now. After re-reading the devotion I wrote this morning I am wondering if I there is a reason behind the terrible ache in my heart to see and be with Jesus. Am I sad? Am I stressed? Am I lonely? Is something coming and He is drawing me closer to him? I don’t understand.

Some mornings my writing is more inspiried feeling than others. Does that make sense? This morning, after not much sleep at all, I was worried I wouldn’t get everything done in time to get to work. But as my fingers flew across my laptop keyboard and I sipped my coffee (with hazelnut creamer, of course) I was in a daze. My heart was pounding in my chest and I could picture myself bowing down, maybe Jesus putting his hand on my shoulder, and then hearing his voice. How incredible would that be? I can close my eyes right now and picture it. The longing in my heart is almost painful right now.

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09/18/08

September 18, 2008 at 5:41 pm · Filed under Uncategorized

Okay, so I don’t get it. I keep seeing infomercials and getting junk in my inbox about free US Grant $$. If the government has all this money sitting around why are our schools suffering and why don’t more of our kids have health insurance? Why is our gas so high and why is the cost of goods inflating? AND, with all the money the US gov’t is using to bail out companies who were way too risky with thier investments how is there is any FREE $$ left over for the rest of us?

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09/16/08

September 16, 2008 at 10:56 pm · Filed under friends, kids, motherhood, plans, sick, writing

Okay, so i think there should be some natural law that stipulates that mothers cannot be sick. I went to work for about an hour this morning and then came home. You would think after sleeping for four hours that I would feel better. NO, I only felt worse. My husband happened to be home but he didn’t must not have noticed how very badly I felt because he didn’t volunteer to go do my carpool for me. Although, I don’t think his mind was on me because he started his new position tonight and I think he was nervous.

I jumped into school just fine. I think I expected to be more overwhelmed with the work than I am. However, i think that because I am so very overwhelmed with the kids’ evening schedule that homework and work is a nice relief. Today I am a little stressed because I have been home all day, probably home tomorrow, and this is the first time I have sat down at my computer. I could have had all my homework done by now but that would take more than this little flu bug is going to give me at this moment in time.

Other than being sick I cannot complain. That’s not saying that I couldn’t sit here and think of things to complain about but I know that the ship is running smoothly and that God is with me so it’s all good. In the next 10 or 15 minutes I will be in bed for the evening, peeking on the kids occassionally. I don’t think I am going to eat. Doesn’t sound like a good idea. The stove isn’t working so the kids had chips, fruit, and sandwiches for lunch. I felt bad, they thought it was a cool treat. Bologna sandwiches would sure be a cheaper substitute (and easier) than what I try to give them for dinner.

I do keep thinking about the book though. I have 300 devotions (roughly) wriitten, which is probably enough for a book by now. I dread going through and editing/fixing my early morning typing errors. I think I have chosen the publisher I go through but now it’s time to get the $$ together so this may never happen. LOL.  I don’t know what is going to happen with the book but I do know I supposed to put one out there. I am starting to feel guilty or something for not having it done already. God very plainly told me to do this. Maybe God is trying to nudge me.

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9-7-08

September 7, 2008 at 10:56 pm · Filed under Uncategorized

I am so glad the weekend is almost over. I have been filling my schedule with too much and now I have classes to start tomorrow. I loved my summer off but I have been ready to get back into the homework routine again. However, what I forgot was how chained I become to the house and to my homework. I am so used to running around free that I have to force myself into a mindset of work again. I have so much I want to fit into this month and already I am worried about getting all my school work done because between church and Gabby’s rehearsles I may end up having a nervous breakdown. So, today I say good-bye to sleep and the ability to form enough words to make a sentence after 5pm everyday. I say good-bye to having nothing to do after the kids go to bed. I say good-bye to saying yes to so many of those afternoon/evening weekend get-togethers have enjoyed so much this summer. 

For a brief 3 months I got to taste the freedom of being able to do what I want when I want with the kids. And they are at such a fun age! No sports, lessons, or anything. Now with school (for all of us) we are already in full swing. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the summer off from classes. Maybe I should have kept that one thing to keep me stable. Maybe a good bungee jump or sky dive would release all this tension…..

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September 2

September 2, 2008 at 4:17 pm · Filed under date night, friends, kids, motherhood, musicals

Okay, my son is 12 today. I guess I am just dumbfounded that he could possibly be that old.

This weekend was great. We got to spend a lot of time with our friends, our daughter got a part in a children’s musical, I got to lay around the house a lot, we had great family time, saw fireworks, had a date, and I got the house kind of clean and all the laundry washed and put away in the same day.

Tonight I have two meetings, neither of which I am looking forward to since they overlap a bit. I totally dislike nights when I have to drag the kids here and there. I guess things seem easier when I am getting dragged. We’ll see how the night goes.

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